The terrible, untold truth of Twilight


VAMPIRES: The new super, superheroes as seen in Twilight

HYPE over the Twilight movie has spread like a global cancer, resulting in teenagers worldwide dressing like vamps and pissing off the Goth kids. Needless to say I finally watched the film to see what all the fuss is about.

It seems that vampires are the new favourite among the superheroes. It’s easy to see why considering they have super strength, super speed, super olfactory senses, can see into the future and have super baseball skills. What’s more, they are immortal for Buddha’s sake!

That’s more than Superman, Batman, Legolas and Hiro Nakamura put together! That’s just showing off. To top all this talent, they drive hot cars and have been blessed with good looks. They may as well fly! Deer murdering vegetarians.

Billy Burke

Billy Burke – the true hero of Twilight

The real hero of Twilight
The real hero of Twilight in my opinion is definitely bitching Bella’s dad with the cool tache – Billy Burke – who risks his mortal life every day as chief of police while simultaneously raising a confused teenage daughter. Big ups to Billy Burke! We like him.

I did also like the underlying war between the red skins, vampires and pale faces as foretold in the Native American scriptures. It would have been nice if they had explored that a little more …

The whole immortality thing
I just have one question to pose to any Twilight fans regarding immortality. If Edward what’s-his-face has been 17 all his life, does that mean his foster ‘dad’ has been in his late 30s or 40s for his immortal duration on Earth? How did he age?

There seems to be a whole flaw regarding immortality and aging. The older vampires seem to have gotten a raw deal while others are forever young. The same goes for those elves in Lord of the Rings.

Apparently the Twilight saga does get marginally better in the later episodes when the huffy-puffy teenagers get a bit more down and dirty. I reckon they should have just saved us from two hours of agony by getting Bella bitten nice and early so she would become a super-hero vampire and could elope with Edward what’s-his-face to live a happy blood-sucking life forever. No?

Anyway. Nuff said. Here’s something I think all non-fans of Twilight will enjoy:

Twilight - underworld for pussies

Vampires - the Difference
Twilight Google search

DraculaSparkling cartoon vampire

Some cool dude

Count Chocula

Twilight - How it should have ended

Ahhh… that was great. I feel much better now :)

** More Happy Friday Posts **

Galen

Galen (name), meaning: "Curious One". A lover of language, human ingenuity and the forces of the universe. Hugely drawn towards the mysterious and unknown. Regular laughter and escapism essential.

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6 Responses

  1. Jude Mathurine says:

    Dude. you forgot Lestat

  2. Galen Schultz says:

    He doesn’t feature in Twilight though, does he? Didn’t Tom Cruise play him in some other, more respectable film?

  3. Ajax says:

    Dude, just as I was about to put on my fake teeth…THANK YOU for saving my childhood fantasies of Dracula–and, yes, Lestat as well.

  4. NessWorld Magazine says:

    Love this post! The shots at the end really had me laughing out loud.

  5. Galen Schultz says:

    lol, you should try the Google one – it really works!

  6. twilight movie trailers says:

    I read the books and loved them but the movie franchise has taken the saga to a whole new level. Beautiful stars, stunning cinematics and a sound track that rocks, bringing Meyer’s series to life.3

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